7 Things About Jon Henshaw You Probably Didn’t Know

Written by and published

So Jeremy has tagged me and now I get to tell people things they shouldn’t know about me. Before I get into my 7 things about yours truly, I would like to preface with, “I understand if you don’t find anything I’m about to say the least bit interesting.” I can say that with confidence, because I share your boredom. I would also like to say, that no matter what people tell you on the street, I am full of hope…angry, angry, hope. If you don’t believe me, you can bite me. Oh, and if you ever use any of this against me, I will find you and bore you to death.

1. My Very Own Urinal

Similar to Jeremy’s desire to have a giant tub, I have always wanted my own urinal. Not just any urinal mind you. I want a giant urinal so big that I could dance around in the bathroom and it would still hit the urinal. I know! That’s a really big urinal! In addition to the ginormous urinal, I would also like accessories that would allow me to play hit-the-target games. I decided a long time ago that once I had this urinal in my home, I would know that I had made it in life and that I would have finally become successful. Needless to say, I still do not have my urinal.

Wide Urinal Stance

2. I Don’t Like Professional or College Sports

I suffer a self-induced disconnection from my fellow man, I abhor and avoid all pro and college sports. This puts me in awkward situations, especially in the South, where many people love their football teams more than their own mom. In general, you can ask me about any quarterback, outfielder or basketball player, and the only thing you’ll get back from me is a stare from the inner abyss of a puritanical loathing of whatever it is you just said. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t know what you said and I don’t care.


3. I Was An All-American Water Polo Player

You might be saying, wait a second! I thought you weren’t a real man and didn’t like sports. No, I didn’t say that I didn’t like sports, I said I didn’t like college or professional sports. But hey, I still like sports. I like them so much that I played baseball, soccer, football and as the title states, water polo. I played it in high school and my team won the state championship my senior year. I was also made an All-American water polo player! Sadly, it was the only sport I was good at. In fact, my history of sports is extreme. I either really sucked or was very good. For example, I went an entire basketball season without making one basket, even though I had at least a dozen close up shots each game. I know, I sucked!


4. I’ve Moved a Lot!

That’s what happens when you’re part of the witness protection program. However, in my case, we just moved a lot. In fact, I only found stability in where I lived after I left home. I lived in Birmingham, AL for five years, Denver, CO for 10 years, and Nashville, TN (where I am now) for three years. Before leaving home, it was a completely different story and we moved on average every 1 1/2 years. In total, I’ve lived:

  • Twice in Florida
  • Twice in California
  • Twice in Colorado
  • Twice in Alabama
  • Twice in Tennessee
  • Twice in Virginia
  • Once in Missouri
  • Once in Massachusetts
  • Once in Pennsylvania

Moving Truck

5. I’m a Trained Marriage & Family Counselor

I have bachelor’s degree in Human Development & Family Studies, master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and had a small marriage and family counseling practice in Denver, CO. Yeah, bet you really didn’t know that! I love human behavior and the intricacies that make up relationships, but I DO NOT LIKE COUNSELING! Now, I’m not against counseling. If you’ve got a problem, like a husband who is emotionally crippled or a wife that’s sucking the life out of you, by all means, go get counseling! The thing is, it takes a very special person to listen to those problems day in and day out. I’m am not that special kind of person. I admit it, I prefer computers over human interaction.


6. I Was Hit by a Car and Survived!

I am so seriously cool for surviving. So I was in fourth grade and I was riding my bike like super-duper fast! My street was coming up, so I looked behind me and didn’t see any cars. I then pedaled even faster and then turned my bike left to cross the street. BAM! An elderly woman in a giant Cadillac struck me full force! Somehow, miraculously, I flew into the air about 20 or 30 feet and landed (more like skidded, ouch!) on the street. I checked my body, stood up and walked over to the sidewalk and started crying (I’m tough, but not that tough.) However, my bike was a different story. It was completely demolished underneath the car. I’m not sure how the physics of that all worked out, all I know is that I walked away from it, my bike didn’t, and I’m happy to be alive.

Bike Jump

7. I Smoked Pot in 5th Grade

Thanks to my older brother and lots of time on my hands, I smoked pot for a good portion of 5th grade. I’m not sure if it’s a big deal, but every time I tell that to people, they think it is, so here it is. I can say that I have a horrible time remembering things and part of me thinks it was because of this. I was poisoning my sweet grey matter noggin at such a precious young age. Hrrrm, now that I think about it, maybe it was because I was hit by that car. Either way, except for a few times in high school and college, I don’t touch the stuff anymore.

Stoned Cat

Tag, You’re It!

Okay, I’m done spilling the beans about my life. Now it’s my turn to keep spreading this “7 things” viral/meme/puke/storytelling goodness. Tag! You’re it!